Confessions of a first time mum

As much as I am enjoying motherhood, there are days that are just plain...horrible. Those sort of days are filled with tears, full of pain and I am left plagued with self doubt.

Here are some of my real, completely honest (and somewhat morbid) thoughts since becoming a mum:
1. Sometimes, I think it is all too much. In fact, once when I was feeling particularly drained, both emotionally and physically, I informed Stu that "I've had enough!" before storming out of the house. I returned half an hour later. These days when I feel like this, I hand bub over to Stu the minute he returns home from work and treat myself to a long hot bath.

2. Once I cut one of Alexander's nails too deep it bled. It didn't bother him the least but I was in tears because I had hurt my baby.

3. Sometimes he sleeps so soundly, I have had to place my finger under his nose to make sure he is still breathing.

4. I wish I had traveled more, partied more, gone out more before I fell pregnant. Though I think I will forever be plagued with wanderlust. I am SO glad I had completed my 12 things for 2012 - at least I have ticked a few things off my bucket list.

5. I love to watch him sleep.

6. I am terrified of dropping him, especially when he is wet and slippery after a bath.

7. I have been buying (expensive) shoes online to make myself happier. Retail therapy does work a treat for me.

8. I seriously wonder when I'll be able to wear my lovely silk/cashmere/non-nursing clothes again.

9. I long for a break from mummy duties but I miss him so much when he's not with me.

10. I hear baby cries all the time. I hear it in the wind, when I'm in the shower, when I'm in a loud food court, when I'm vacuuming, when I am asleep. But when I really stop and listen, I then realise it's all just in my head. Crazy much?

11. I tend to eat when I'm wearing Alex in a carrier. And I always end up dropping food crumbs on his head.

12. Sometimes when he spews a little in his bassinet, I simply place a face towel over the wet spot instead of changing the sheets.

13. I have screamed at him a few times.

14. I may have called him a d!@khead a few times.

15. I get out of doing housework by blaming the baby.

Do you have anything to confess lately?

*On a lighter note: the blue booties pictured above were knitted by Stu's grandmother some 40 years ago for Stu! Isn't it sweet that little Alexander gets to be in
his father's shoes...

38 Responses to Confessions of a first time mum

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

I can see being a mom as one of those things in life that is so hard yet so rewarding all at the same time.

Chrissie said...

Ah, welcome to the club! I hope it comforts you that I have pretty much an identical list, as I'm sure most mothers do! In the early days, I deduced that all parents, the world over, never tell you how absolutely tough it is being a new mum because the population would cease to grow...but just you wait, the love gets even deeper, the happy moments multiply beyond infinity, and you will wear those beautiful clothes once again! Chrissie x ps love the booties! ;-)

Deanne Langford said...

It all sounds pretty normal to me, I am sure I have done all of those things too!

Samantha Heather said...

Oh Trishie, I love how brutally honest this is. I am not a mother yet, I'm not even a wife but it's really comforting to know that being a mother isn't all sunshine and daisies.

Thank you for sharing this. I am sure it will a comfort to other mums who are driving themselves crazy.

Keep strong and keep your chin up! You are an inspiration :) x

Our Neck of the Woods said...

Such a candid post! It's refreshing to hear someone speak honestly about motherhood. And I chuckled a bit when you said you drop crumbs on his head sometimes while eating ;)

burntfeather said...

I'm pretty sure if I'm a Mum I'll be exactly the same! Hang in there :)

Jessica said...

I can only image the stress, worry, and exhaustion that come with being a first time mom. I am sure how you feel and what you do is totally normal.

Tracy @ Sunny Days and Starry Nights

Tina Bradley said...

Yup! Been there--done that! I think every mother has a similar list of sorts. Seemed so much easier the second time around to me. I guess I was used to all the many changes by that time (which was 6 years later). T. http://tickledpinkwoman.blogspot.com

Deidre said...

Thanks for sharing all this with us! I think it's so important to hear the good with a bit of the bad. Also, those booties? SO SWEET.

My Garden Diaries said...

I was giggling with this one!!! Thank you for your honesty....I know that many moms don't talk about this but YES... I can relate to just about everything on your list! I am terrified still of dropping Norah when she is wet and I have yelled in exhaustion at my beans. Mostly my last 2 as they had colic and I would say " what do you need!" Oh and I still hand them over after a long day because I never get a break. A 15 minute time out for mom makes for a happy evening!!! Love your post and my wanderlust is still in me too!!!

Juju at Tales of Whimsy.com said...

I love this list.
I can relate to quite a few of these:

2. I was always afraid to cut my girls nails for that very reason.
4. Me too. I wish I had gone to Europe.
5. Yes! Sleeping babies rock.
6. Me too! Still till this day too and she's almost 2.
8. You will :)
9. YUP! I work one day a week now in the evening. It's good for us to be a part but we miss each other sooo much when we are.
10. Yes! It's a super power I think. I can hear a baby crying from like a mile away.
12. Totallly use to do that too! Gotta love towels.

Those first 6 months are sooooo hard. It gets easier. I promise. Hang in there and give your self lots of breaks and long hot showers. Those always helped me. *hug*

Susannah said...

Ah yes, I can completely understand where you're coming from. I promise it gets easier. Everything will always be different from before, but the easier it gets, the more you'll think you wouldn't want it any other way. By the end of the first year, it's so much easier, you'll forget how hard it was and be wanting a second one! What a wonderful keepsake those booties are. sparkle2day.com

Hannapat said...

Oh you are so not alone. I found the first 12 months of being a new Mum REALLY hard, I spent a great deal crying and it was tough. Oh how I remember wanting to leave the house every day and just hand over as soon as my husband was back home and leave, but our son didn't want to go to him, so it was me and only me, it is tough. Hang in there it REALLY gets better after I would say 6-12 months. As soon as they can interact a little it gets better, but you know I still have days like that and I suspect I will keep having them until the kids are old and leave the house. I am still scared of hurting them or upsetting them. I often feel a little out of my depth with the responsibility of it all. Enjoy your retail therapy, it has a lot going for it, I often feel the need to just splurge and I hope he is wearing those gorgeous booties. Sending you much love xoxo

MaysaAndSunshine said...

I felt like I saw a reflection of myself. What you are going through is absolutely normal, every first time mother has a long list of guilt and self doubt except that most people dont talk about it. I struggled in the first two years of motherhood. A mix of exhaustion and frustrations got the best out of me, I couldnt find a balance in life either so it was quite challenging. If I could turn back time I would try to relax and didnt rush nor put too much expectations. I know I would have enjoyed motherhood more. Great post.

Amy @ Elephant Eats said...

I have to imagine that these thoughts you're having are the same thoughts that mothers all over the world have ;) Sounds like you're doing a great job so far though! I'd love to hear your "confessions" again when he's out of the newborn phase, since I know these will change for sure!

Anouka K said...

It's great that you write and share about your struggles. It must be tough to get used to this new way of life but it will probably get easier with time (as all things do). I see that women with similar experiences have commented here and it seems to be a 'normal' process. As with everything, the only power we have is to change the way we look at things... and when we do that, the things we look at will change.

artemis from JUNKAHOLIQUE said...

Everything you just wrote is simply beautiful in so many ways!

(and i don't normally say sh*t like that).

Sam said...

Aww this was wonderfully honest Trishie, I admire you so much for posting these very relevant thoughts. I am not a mum but I can imagine that i would be thinking very similarly if I was. It isn't easy at all, but you're doing a splendid job. So cute knitted booties!

MrsW said...

This post was so relatable. For so many women. You have a wonderful way with words Trishie!

I hope you get a few opportunities to wear those gorgeous shoes you spoke of, maybe a lunch date with some girlfriends is on the cards! ;-) One thing I wish someone had told me, don't feel guilty about taking time for yourself, Alexander will actually benefit from it! Happy Mama equals happier baby!

Best of luck Lady!



MrsW said...

This post was so relatable. For so many women. You have a wonderful way with words Trishie!

I hope you get a few opportunities to wear those gorgeous shoes you spoke of, maybe a lunch date with some girlfriends is on the cards! ;-) One thing I wish someone had told me, don't feel guilty about taking time for yourself, Alexander will actually benefit from it! Happy Mama equals happier baby!

Best of luck Lady!



Joyce Olson said...

You are such an adorable and so very normal Mommy! My Mother had a saying which she would share with me when I was at my wits end with 4 children.(I don't know what I was thinking)wink...
"Being a mother is the hardest job which you will ever love."

xx-
Jemma

Gaby said...

I love this list. I can seriously relate to ALL of it. You should see my house, seriously! I wonder if that wanderlust feeling ever goes away, even if you have kids older? I think not. Children just change your life so profoundly that i think you will always long for those carefree days. x

oomph. said...

as a single mom of two, i definitely feel your frustrations. i have learned to appreciate my work commutes in traffic, because it's the only ME time i have. i turn up the radio and sing my guts out. haha.

Rowena @ rolala loves said...

What you're going through is probably normal for most first time mothers but I'm sure it's all worth it whenever you hold your beautiful boy in your arms.

Rowena @ rolala loves

Midnight Cowgirl said...

Retail therapy works wonders :)

Emily said...

I'm not a mum, Trishie, but from what I've heard, everything you describe sounds totally normal! You've been through an enormous and profound change in your life. That's gonna create some waves! xx

greenthumb said...

Don't beat yourself up, your doing the best you can. I used to said when I was having a hard time " this to shall pass". And think of all the traveling you can do when he gets older, it such fun.

Anne Hill said...

haha this is a greta list, we share many of them in common. Especially the eating in the carrier and the crumbs - it HAS to be impossible to not get any on them right?!

Imogen Eve said...

All totally true! I can completely relate, especially to numbers 4, 8, 9, 10 (always when I'm in the shower), 12 and 15.

In regards to 8 – I also miss jewellry. My son broke so many of my necklaces, that I just packed them all away.

I'm always telling myself that all will be well. Eventually.

akiko hiramatsu said...

It is a so cute socks.
I love this color!

akiko

Alla said...

oh hon! I'm saying yes yes yes! to just about all of the above! ...do you know how much (in shopping gifts for myself) my second baby cost?? ...A LOT at least $400 in purses, booties etc... I'm glad you get out for some 'alone' time as an ex-lifeguard I'll confirm that you must take care of yourself first to be able to take care of someone else. OH and the wonderlust thing... NEVER leaves you!!! :) But babies are great travelers, it's when they hit 2 you have to adjust your travels to include naptimes and petting furry animals.

Jane said...

your brutal honesty makes me respect you even more! xx!

A little bit of quiet said...

Hi Trishie, I left a comment but it seems to have disappeared. :((( x

Preeti Dubey said...

Well, welcome to the club! :) my son is 4 years old now but trust me I have been through these exact ups and downs, I don't know how many times! But in the end, this is the purest love we share with this sweet buddy of ours. So keep your patience tucked and it will all work. :) those booties are so so cute and how fortunate of your son to inherit something so precious.
PS: thanks for stopping my blog. Have a lovely weekend. :)

CQUEK said...

You are the best mom

Peach Macarons said...

Trishie thanks for this post. so honest. I completely understand all of these! How weird is it hearing crying babies all the time even when your little one is sleeping!? - you'll be pleased to know that does go away with time. I have to say I felt a bit guilty when I had some of these emotions the first time round. Because I thought 'I have beautiful healthy baby what have I got to be stressed about?' - I've been a bit easier on myself the second time round. it was a bigger adjustment than I could have imagined. But the love I have for them and the cuddles and smiles make it all worth it. :)

kidgranny said...

I am not yet a mother, but I am an auntie to four nieces and nephews...and boy, your list seems spot on from what my sisters have told me. Thanks for your honesty :)

Michelle said...

Im really struggly with the idea of wether I want to be a Mum, Iv always been a firm no but I know that I need to seriously consider a yes before its too late. Your post just read all the fears I have and I guess the thing is that you will never have all the answers or do everything perfectly but at the end of the day all they need is for you to love them. Thanks for your honesty it has really helped me with some of my doubts x